I Heart Lewis Black

Artisanal Rant / The Daily Show

These people are pissing on our legs and telling us it’s champagne,” said comedian Lewis Black last night on the Daily Show as he ripped into the trend of corporations using the bullshit word “artisanal.” On the fake “Kobe” beef in the US: “So if your local bistro is serving Kobe sliders, go across the street to White Castle because it’s the same fucking thing!” Black on mislabeled fish: “Snapper, tilapia, who gives a shit? That’s what’s the ketchup for.” OnDunkin Donuts’ “Artisan” bagels: “Really? Authentic bagels? Because unless you changed your name to Dunkin Donutsowitz at Ellis Island, then I doubt it.”

On Domino’s Pizza’s new “Artisan” line that cannot be modified: “Who do you think you are? Gordon Ramsay? The only time it’s okay for somebody at Domino’s to say ‘No’ to me is if I just walked in and asked, ‘Hey, can I take a dump in your sink?’

“Here’s a good rule of thumb,” concludes Black. “If your product is served by dumping it out of a plastic bag into a bowl of microwaved chili, it’s not artisan. If it takes less than 30 minutes to make and deliver, it’s not food.”

Video: Back in Black – Artisanal Foods

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